Benevolent Woman's Blog

I Knew You Were There

In the morning I woke to meditate and commune with the Holy Spirit. I wanted to clear my mind and focus on His voice.

Albeit images and past memories came to my intellect that I haven't thought of in years. Traumas that I forgot about. People who hated me (even while feigning friendship) and abused me. Those who manipulated and deceived me.

Consequently, I remember the times that I felt embarrassed and humiliated in life. Bad decisions that I made and unsavory people that I allowed into my life.

Being overwhelmed, I am crying as I write this. Even though I almost allowed myself to think that I was too good for most of them. But I was given the stark realization that I was often lonely and just looking for someone to care, while ignoring the obvious. These relationships were ungodly, and I was just as much at fault.

You Choose how to Respond or React

Even so, I made choices to avenge myself against others reciprocating the same maltreatment. Tit for tat. Justifying myself, knowing that it was wrong because the situations only became more toxic. It was not who I was created to be.

With all the hurt, God spoke to me and said, "Hurt people hurt people". I cried because the child in me asked Him, "Why did you allow this?" I came to the understanding that He was always there. Confirming when He told me this a few weeks ago.

Even then I had been keenly aware of His presence. I thought about how I had prayed to him to take away my caring heart because I was tired of being used and abused. (I was much younger, a child, and have regretted the outcomes of what I had asked for.)

Many times, my life was spared, literally. It hurts!!! Thinking about these things, made me aware of why we are set apart as peculiar. And the importance of maintaining empathy. To not try to force ungodly people and situations, allowing them reign over our lives.

I am Loved

I forgot how devastating it was for me to be rejected, to be made to feel less than. The foolish manner that I allowed myself to be used in immoral and sexual situations. It is an eye opener. A reminder that I am no better than anyone else.

It is clear that Jesus loves me as I am and has accepted me in spite of everything and wants to have an intimate relationship with me.

The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Omniscient and ever present.

It is painful and it is cleansing. Even though it hurts so much. I am humbled. I am loved. Still crying, but again, I am loved, and I love me.

I overcame!!!

Originally written on January 21, 2022.

Benevolent Woman

Comments

I Have Done No Wrong!!!

I Have Done No Wrong!!! Many of us believe that if we do the bare minimum that all of our past sins should be forgotten. And that God should wave His magic wand and give us what we want. But can I tell you something? God is not a man that He should lie, nor the son of man, that He should repent. We do evil in His sight, He then judges us in righteousness, but we think that we should decide when our punishment is sufficient. By His grace, He has already set the terms, that if we obey, we can still be victorious and more importantly, learn the lesson, with patience, being steadfast. So that we truly repent of our evil ways. Let me put it this way. Imagine committing adultery against God, and although He forgives us, we continually complain, and gaslight Him. As if He should feel less than as we continue to blame Him for our imperfections. For our ungrateful nature. Without rectifying our wrongdoings. As if nothing that our Creator could ever do is good enough. Should we not expect ...

There Are Levels to This!!!

There Are Levels to This!!! “And the LORD spoke to Moses, saying, ‘Take the rod; and you and your brother assemble the congregation and speak to the rock in front of them, (Notice that He did not tell Moses to speak to the people.) so that it will pour out its water. In this way you shall bring water for them out of the rock and let the congregation and their livestock drink [fresh water]’. So Moses took the rod from before the LORD, just as He commanded him; and Moses and Aaron gathered the assembly before the rock. Moses said to them, ‘Listen now, you rebels; must we bring you water out of this rock?’” (Numbers 20: 7-10, KJV). Let me reflect for a moment. Many times, it is in our nature to have the last word, to attempt to explain or justify ourselves, or to show that “I am right and you are wrong”. Even looking for approval or to provoke. When we do this, it never proves anything to a person or people that has already made their minds up to think the worst. Making the situation...

Now Is Not the Time to Waiver!!!

Now Is Not the Time to Waiver!!! 1) The Ancient Greek concept is makarios, “It means an inner peace, an inner bliss, an inner happiness, an inner joy that is not produced or affected by circumstances”. 2) The word translated “blessed” (barukh) is related to the Hebrew word for “knee” (berekh), as is the word for “blessing” (b’rakha), thus implying an association between humbling ourselves (i.e., kneeling before Him in recognition of His blessedness, and receiving personal blessing from Him. This is so important if you, as I am, are on a personal journey to walk in His peace and joy which surpasses all understanding. To stay in His presence. It is momentous as we come into and are in perilous times. As I confirm in His Word, I want to warn you that you must be circumspect. To cultivate, nurture, and protect it as the devil seeks to kill, steal, and destroy it from your lives. To destroy you. If you don’t recognize this amazing gift, you will never walk in it permanently. Peace, jo...