Benevolent Woman's Blog

I Knew You Were There

In the morning I woke to meditate and commune with the Holy Spirit. I wanted to clear my mind and focus on His voice.

Albeit images and past memories came to my intellect that I haven't thought of in years. Traumas that I forgot about. People who hated me (even while feigning friendship) and abused me. Those who manipulated and deceived me.

Consequently, I remember the times that I felt embarrassed and humiliated in life. Bad decisions that I made and unsavory people that I allowed into my life.

Being overwhelmed, I am crying as I write this. Even though I almost allowed myself to think that I was too good for most of them. But I was given the stark realization that I was often lonely and just looking for someone to care, while ignoring the obvious. These relationships were ungodly, and I was just as much at fault.

You Choose how to Respond or React

Even so, I made choices to avenge myself against others reciprocating the same maltreatment. Tit for tat. Justifying myself, knowing that it was wrong because the situations only became more toxic. It was not who I was created to be.

With all the hurt, God spoke to me and said, "Hurt people hurt people". I cried because the child in me asked Him, "Why did you allow this?" I came to the understanding that He was always there. Confirming when He told me this a few weeks ago.

Even then I had been keenly aware of His presence. I thought about how I had prayed to him to take away my caring heart because I was tired of being used and abused. (I was much younger, a child, and have regretted the outcomes of what I had asked for.)

Many times, my life was spared, literally. It hurts!!! Thinking about these things, made me aware of why we are set apart as peculiar. And the importance of maintaining empathy. To not try to force ungodly people and situations, allowing them reign over our lives.

I am Loved

I forgot how devastating it was for me to be rejected, to be made to feel less than. The foolish manner that I allowed myself to be used in immoral and sexual situations. It is an eye opener. A reminder that I am no better than anyone else.

It is clear that Jesus loves me as I am and has accepted me in spite of everything and wants to have an intimate relationship with me.

The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Omniscient and ever present.

It is painful and it is cleansing. Even though it hurts so much. I am humbled. I am loved. Still crying, but again, I am loved, and I love me.

I overcame!!!

Originally written on January 21, 2022.

Benevolent Woman

Comments

When the LORD Goes Before You!!!

When the LORD Goes Before You!!! “Know [without any doubt], that the LORD your God is not giving you this good land to possess because of your righteousness, for you are a stiff-necked (stubborn, obstinate) people. Remember [with remorse] and do not forget how you provoked the LORD your God to wrath in the wilderness; from the day you left the land of Egypt until you arrived at this place, you have been rebellious against the LORD. And at Horeb (Sinai) you provoked the LORD to wrath, and the LORD was so angry with you that He would have destroyed you” (Deuteronomy 9: 4-8, AMP). Many of us focus on Moses' fasting for forty days and forty nights. But he had to go back up for a second time, for forty more days and nights, hewing two tablets of stone himself, as he fasted and prayed for the lives of the Israelites, including his brother Aaron. In God’s mercy they spent forty years in the wilderness, and He was not wrong if He would have condemned them to eighty years. Before we procee...

When Your Heart is Hardened (Part One)!!! At the very beginning of the plagues, Pharaoh asked Moses and Aaron for a sign, to prove themselves, and God’s sovereignty. Had he taken heed he would have seen the outcome then. “And Moses and Aaron went in unto Pharaoh, and they did as the LORD had commanded: and Aaron cast down his rod before Pharaoh, and before his servants, and it became a serpent. Then Pharaoh also called the wise men and the sorcerers: now the magicians of Egypt, they also did in like manner with their enchantments. For they cast down every man his rod, and they became serpents: but Aaron’s rod swallowed up their rods” (Exodus 7: 10-12, KJV). God demonstrated His authority to Pharaoh and is why these plagues were written. To be passed down from generation to generation. It is why those who continue to ask for a sign, condemn themselves to judgment. Revealing the spirit of rebellion. This is by far, the most exhaustive paradigm ever recorded. “A wicked and adulterou...

When You Are Truly Cursed (Part 2)!!!

When You Are Truly Cursed (Part Two)!!! “If you are not careful to do all the words of this law that are written in this book, to fear and honor with reverence this glorious and awesome name, the LORD your God, then the LORD will bring extraordinary plagues on you and your descendants, even severe and lasting plagues, and miserable and chronic sicknesses. Moreover, He will bring on you all the diseases of Egypt of which you were afraid, and they will cling to you. Also, the LORD will bring on you every sickness and every plague which is not written in this book of this law, until you are destroyed. “Because you did not obey the voice of the LORD your God, you who were as numerous as the stars of heaven shall be left few in number. It shall come about that just as the LORD delighted over you to make you prosper and multiply, so the LORD will delight over you to bring you to ruin and destruction; and you will be uprooted [violently] from the land which you are entering to possess” ...