Benevolent Woman's Blog

  Toxic Indifference I am exploring the story of Ahab from a different angle. You can read 1 Kings 20-22. Ahab and Jehoshaphat were kings over Israel and Judah, respectively. They were also friends. Totally opposite in character. However, Ahab is known mostly for his evil wife Jezebel. Ahab was corrupt and immature. Prior to Jezebel having Naboth killed for his vineyard, Ahab had just returned from sparing king Ben-hadad. Ben-hadad had insulted the LORD and would have shown no mercy to Ahab. Indeed, had he been victorious in his demands against Ahab. For the sake of greed and material wealth that was offered to him, Ahab spared Ben-hadad. Against God's will. Calling him "brother". Toxic Intimacy After the prophet confronted Ahab, he became sullen and resentful. In a vain attempt to regain his dignity, he then asked Naboth to give up his inheritance. When Naboth refused he went home, brooding like a child. He laid in his bed, refusing to eat or drink. With his face against...

  A Liar Shall Not Tarry in My Sight Yesterday my son had a settlement conference. A young woman was assaulted by her boyfriend and/or dope dealer. And instead of being truthful, she is allowing my son to be prosecuted for it. What is sad, but not uncommon is that the judge, prosecutor, and everyone involved is aware of his innocence. The detectives even subpoenaed his cell phone records. Showing that he was more than an hour away from the location at that time. As we were leaving, my son's attorney stated that this was a hard-core case. I looked directly at him and told him, "No it's not. Because my son didn't do what he is being accused of!" He then stated that the prosecutor has a witness that is adamant that he did. My response, "She is a liar". Now my son's attorney is aware of this miscarriage of justice that is being perpetuated against him. But this individual will sit in my son's face and blatantly lie. As if it should just be accepted a...

  Don't Stray While at work yesterday I got upset with a couple of my patients who were manipulative and deceiving. I have seen this before and although it speaks to their character, I decided to stay away from them. With the exception of what was required of me. And even then, I fell short and did not even do what was incumbent of myself. Pride put a wall up and within myself I felt as if they did not deserve God's mercy. I was wrong. The Holy Spirit corrected me with two glaring examples to confirm what He wanted me to realize and to never do again. The first example was a video that I was watching.  Accordingly, the pastor spoke and said that if you allow your emotions to control you and take you off course, then to "Just sit down!" The assignment that God has for you doesn't stop or change because you are having a bad day. In other words, if we are going to be unstable and double minded, we need to give up completely. Because God's will is going to be done...

  Working Out My Own Salvation As I begin to start work this morning, I am reflecting on having to cut ties with family. The Holy Spirit is impressing upon me the need to deal with this. I have to admit to myself that it hurts!!! Taking accountability for allowing myself to end up back in this space. Nevertheless, I knew it was an issue when Iam compelled to use my past traumas as examples. I still felt the need to dwell on this disturbing situation. I hadn't moved on!!! "Deal with it!!!", says the Holy Spirit. The unresolved issues are stagnating me. In order for the LORD to elevate us to higher levels, we must deal with the irresolute pain. I Can't Change You I now realize with a startling clarity, why we must work out our own salvation, with trepidation and trembling. The fear and reverence of man will certainly bring a snare to our souls. So many of us leave God because we have been let down by man. I remember thinking at one point and even today, how can you allo...

  Delivering Self from Toxicity Today for probably the hundredth time, I cut off the same toxic family member. I offered them an olive branch in the form of asking for their services for my company. Instead of answering yes or no, she immediately attempted to bring me into their drama/trauma. Thus began the downward spiral from then on. During the conversation, I began to feel depressed, abased, despondent...but the Holy Spirit had already warned me that this relationship was not conducive for where He is taking me. The sad part is that I consulted her because of her talent. I am very conscientious. Although I didn't want to ask because of the past turmoil, the Holy Spirit was attempting to bless us both. Nevertheless, he knew that she would need it. And her services would have been an asset to what I am building. All of a sudden, during the hurt, she needed me financially. I didn't know it, but I knew that God was leading me not to answer. At first, I felt bad. I even tried to...

  The Covenant Promise With every new level in the LORD, I am always brought back to the covenant of the LORD. With every opportunity I am reminded of His promises. Knowing that when the Holy Spirit speaks, to follow through in obedience and to never waiver. Nevertheless, however He speaks, it takes a relationship and discernment to perceive His nature. While pondering His affiance, I am realizing that He only needs to command me once. Moreover, as the circumstances change, or trials and tribulations arise, I am trusting the Holy Spirit. I will not deviate to the right or to the left. Notwithstanding, we know the LORD's promises are everlasting. For up to a thousand generations for those who love Him. We must not continue to question our Creator. Accordingly, His Word promises, "So will My word be which goes out of My mouth; It will not return to Me void (useless, without result), without accomplishing what I desire, and without succeeding in the matter for which I sent it...

  Life or death Deuteronomy 30: 10-20 tells us of the promises of God. Life and good (prosperity), and death and evil (adversity) are a choice. Consequently, it is up to the individual to choose. The latter will be in despair, apart from God, because trials and tribulations are always apart of life. The Choice is Yours Albeit though I am at a crossroads in my therapy, I realize the importance of continued intimacy with the Holy Spirit.  Of particular note is when the LORD said that obedience to these commandments is neither difficult nor out of our reach. Nevertheless, I was given the revelation by the Holy Spirit, and it was confirmed by Ms. Gwendolyn (my therapist), that she was here to guide me. The actual work is up to me. The positive outcomes are in my hand. The Word is Near Us According to the LORD, this Word is not up in heaven or beyond the sea. It comes from no one else. He reiterates that it is very near. In my mouth and in my heart. So that I may obey it. Therefore...

  The Colt Jesus came riding on a donkey. As I read this, I felt that there was a message that the Holy Spirit was imparting as to why He chose the colt instead of the horse. So, I will differentiate the characteristics of the two. Horses are stronger but scare easily and may not sense impending danger. Whereas the colt can only carry a fraction of the weight but are more reliable and actually avoid danger. Donkeys also have excellent memories, with the ability to recognize people and other donkeys up to 25 years later. Horses are faster and live longer, nevertheless they are skittish. Donkeys, on the other hand, are more reliable and will stand and fight against their enemies. Think of the mule that was used to forbid the madness of the prophet. Speaking in a human voice, the donkey saw the Angel standing in the rode preparing to kill Balaam. Its instinct was to protect himself, but in doing so he saved Balaam's life. It was the fast, furious, unrelenting driving of the horses tha...

  Wait and Be Silent Moses just led the people into the wilderness and the Egyptians are pursuing them. They cried out to the LORD, as they should. But they did not wait for an answer before they started complaining to Moses. They had what some will call a "slave mentality", that is prevalent in us, even now. God had done amazing miracles, up to and including killing the first born of all the Egyptians who did not follow the commandment of the LORD.  Accordingly, the distinction between the two groups was made in astonishing ways. Yet they were still easily discouraged. Even after seeing these impossible feats that could only be effectuated by the Creator of heaven and earth. Dare I say that this is me at times. Throughout my life I have been aware that my Father was there. Consistently, from the beginning. But as soon as a situation comes up, my flesh forgets his mercy and consequently I run and attempt to figure out my own solution. Hence, I have come to the realization tha...

  The Reckoning of Self Sleep escapes me. Whenever this happens it is the Holy Spirit. It is something or someone that He wants me to focus on. Something that He wants to impart to my spirit. I have been watching a documentary for the last three days, "Making a Murderer." This series was heart wrenching on so many levels, but the callousness, the treachery, deceit, and manipulation (none of which surprises me) had my spirt in turmoil. More so saddened at the state of man, I also felt a righteous indignation. What is the Spirit trying to get me to realize? I could not understand how the truth can be right there and be overlooked. Consequently, I do realize is that even though we wrestle against principalities, evil spirits, and the rulers of this world. That it will not absolve us as humans of the responsibility of living a righteous, holy life. Therefore, I began to question my own discernment and I started to wonder why I didn't see how my children were being manipulated...

  The Body is a Temple While prophesying to his sons (blessings and curses), Israel is about to die. What is significant about his oldest son Reuben is that he slept with his father's concubine. Because of this, Reuben lost his birthright. The favor that would have established him the right to benefit at least a double portion of more than his other brothers combined. Reuben was the beginning of his strength, preeminent in dignity and power. (This is the blessing for the firstborn, and it is rarely achieved by the eldest. A curse that has transcended time and families.) Reuben's sinful lust was described as making him unstable. Consequently, Israel never mentioned to him how painful and treacherous the act was. Nevertheless, these actions had to have eroded the little trust that Israel had in him. The deceitful nature of the act was escalated, secondary to hiding this enigma. More so, Israel wanted him to know that he was aware of the incident. The Perils of Sexual Immorality ...

  Whole and Healed While communing with the Holy Spirit, I felt the urge to read the story of Joseph. He has always been one of my favorite characters. My spirit is complete as I examined all of Joseph's circumstances. Through many trials and tribulations, the LORD was with him. When Joseph was younger his father kept him near to himself. (His brothers must have felt unloved and neglected at times.) Albeit, as they worked in the fields, Joseph would be sent out to "spy" on his brothers. Directly obeying his father, Israel. As his brothers tended to the tasks that they were sent to execute. (From what is written they lacked character in their youth and as young men. So, they were not trustworthy of their father.) Seemingly, Joseph, being a "goody two-shoes", made sure that Israel was aware of their wrongdoings. The LORD started to reveal Himself to Joseph in dreams. Being immature, he felt it necessary to brag of these dreams to his brothers. Knowing that their f...

  Internal Thankfulness that Fulfills I am at work and have discharged all of my patients. It is at this time in my life where I am pleading with the Holy Spirit to commune with me in our secret place. In the recesses of my mind. While focusing on one of my favorite hymns, Psalm 91, I feel now that I am having a hard time internalizing the Word without the Spirit giving me divine revelation. In my heart I am thankful and what may look to the carnal eye, like I am wasting time on my phone, it is that good part that my Jesus explained to Martha. The portion that He would not take from Mary. As I sit here, my spirit is filling with His presence. Moreover, I attribute this to having a spirit of thankfulness. Likewise, I crave his presence as a woman in love. Yearning for His mercy, favor, and protection. Currently resting in His Word, knowing that a thousand may fall at my side, and ten thousand at my right hand, but it will not come near me. Only with my eyes, I will see and behold th...

  Walking in Obedience I am sitting here at work and while everyone was in a huddle talking with each other, I started to think of how lonely I felt at times. Otherwise, deeply feeling that I am really not missing out on anything. Contemplating the goodness of the LORD, considering perusing Psalm 91. Then a phlebotomist called and asked me to draw blood from my patient because they were working with a child and their hands were full. Moreover, I literally had not poked anyone in almost a year. Reluctantly gathering the necessary items, it was as if the LORD was simultaneously enhancing the external circumstances. When I completed this task that would be seemingly very insignificant to others, I am in a place of awareness that no situation is irrelevant with God. I couldn't help but glow on the inside because I fully know that it is not by might, nor by power, but by His Spirit. It places this scripture into perfect context, "I assure you and most solemnly say to you, whoever d...

  Understanding Peace and Joy I am led to write this as I was watching Minister Cassandra Mack. She was teaching on the subject of not letting anyone take you out of character and off course of the mission that our Father has for you. The main scripture of reference that she spoke from was Matthew 7: 6, "Do not give what is holy to the dogs, nor cast your pearls before swine... Consequently, it led me to reflect on having that peace and joy on a level that is so powerful that it must be cherished, nurtured, and protected. Ruminative of why God had allowed me to experience it. Knowing that I am one of a few if any who has felt this jubilation. This was not sporadic, nor was it based on innate and extrinsic, or even superficial circumstances. It was truly supernatural and constant over a prolonged period of time. A Sudden Transformation I don't remember how it came about but what I can tell you is that it was a very deeply depressing time for me, with daunting undertones. I kept...

  God's Patience is Wearing Thin This morning as I commune with the LORD, he took me to another place in His Word in Ezekiel 12, 13, and 14. The LORD prophesied that the people would be forced to leave their homes and places of refuge, and some will be devoured by the sword, famine, predatory beasts, and disease. That the false prophets who have destroyed the righteous and uplifted the evil, causing discouragement and death for the former and a false sense of security for the latter, will receive their recompense along with the inquirer that is willing to believe a lie. Because they prophesy peace when there is no peace. They love their idols, then choose to come to God's prophets, in times of trouble or double-mindedness, and say, "What does the LORD say?". The LORD will answer them himself. And they will no longer be able to say that these things will not come upon us for years. In other words, we won't see it in our lifetime! Where in times past the LORD spared...

  The LORD's Faithfulness As I read in 2 Samuel 13, I realize God's devotion to His anointed. To those He loves. David and his household had fled from Absalom, with the exception of 10 of his concubines. And though I love David's character, I somewhat resented him because I saw that he didn't chastise his children as he should have. Truthfully, because I myself am guilty of this at one time or another. We become so easily offended when we see our own weaknesses in others. Consequently, feeling disdain for that person or thing. But God knew David's heart. Absalom had been letting the bitterness and hate that he must have had in his father fester for all that time. (I can empathize with David in this area.) Even though David was not perfect, he loved his children. And although it was David's punishment for his sin against Uriah the Hittite, Absalom took it upon himself to add to God's judgment against David for his own selfishness. There is so much more involv...

  The Purpose of Vision I had just woken up this morning and while spending time with the LORD, I began reading from 2 Samuel 5:10,12. The Holy Spirit spoke to me concerning one of the most pivotal reasons David was "a man after Mine own heart". David took the time to not only consult the LORD but to be obedient in all that He told him. David realized that the LORD had given him a vision. He realized that the vision was not for him, but for God's people. David was aware that in the LORD's graciousness, he was reaping the benefits for carrying out God's mission. I have heard enlightened men of God speak on the difference of having a vision and being ambitious, and the Holy Spirit confirms in His Word that ambition is for "self", but vision is used to empower others. Faithful in Small Things This speaks to me as I become more intimate in my relationship with Jesus. When He speaks to me and as He guides me, I feel that when and if I tell others, they will t...

  The Lord's Promise As I am reading 1 Samuel, Saul continues to pursue David. That in every trial and tribulation of David, the Holy Spirit was showing him the importance of resting in Him and believing His promises. God was purging him to bring forth more fruit. Through God's Word it is so obvious that when you seek Him, you will never walk in darkness. David allowed God to lead him, and he trusted Him. As Saul's iniquity was becoming full, he had the high priest Ahimelech and 85 other priests along with everyone else in the city killed, with the exception of Ahimelech's son who had escaped. David was presented with an opportune moment, when Saul entered the cave where David and his men were hiding. David cut off the hem of his robe and immediately the Holy Spirit convicted him. Before presenting to Saul the evidence and the opportunity to destroy him David apologized and admonished his men for even suggesting that he commit this heinous act. It would have been just a...

  Coming from a Place of Love Today I am reading in the book of 1 Samuel where Saul was anointed king over Israel. From almost the beginning, he feigned a love of God. This was indicated whenever Samuel came to him and during his inability to fully carry out God's command. He always referred to our sovereign Lord as "Your Lord". After admonishing him, Samuel had to clean up the mess that he had made, and all the while Saul was greedy, unrepentant, full of pride, and rebellious, among some of his demeanors. 1 Samuel 15: 22-23 speaks volumes of the anger of the LORD and the treacherous nature of Saul's spirit. Please reference this for a clearer understanding. To Obey or Disobey What really stood out was how much Samuel loved Saul and how totally different in character they are. Samuel had been a priest since he was a child, left in the care of Eli. He obeyed the Lord fully, even up to slaughtering king Agag because of God's righteous judgement. Meting out the punis...

As I sit here, I am reminded that this morning while I was communing with the LORD, He directed me to the second epistle of Peter. I felt that God was admonishing me to be the light. We were called. Personally chosen. And with this comes virtue that we must continue to grow in spiritually. That this can only be done by the continued exercising of faith and confidence in His Word. This grace and peace come through the knowledge and intimacy that is experienced through an individualized relationship with Him. We have already been given everything that we need through every divine promise. Having been delivered from corruption. By faith these ethics are increased, less otherwise we become "ineffective and unproductive". Failure to do so proves that we are willingly disobedient and sinful (regarding this dereliction), forgetting the grace that God has bestowed upon us. We must continue to evolve into spiritual maturity, as long as we are in these temporary bodies. As in Erica Cam...

  I Knew You Were There In the morning I woke to meditate and commune with the Holy Spirit. I wanted to clear my mind and focus on His voice. Albeit images and past memories came to my intellect that I haven't thought of in years. Traumas that I forgot about. People who hated me (even while feigning friendship) and abused me. Those who manipulated and deceived me. Consequently, I remember the times that I felt embarrassed and humiliated in life. Bad decisions that I made and unsavory people that I allowed into my life. Being overwhelmed, I am crying as I write this. Even though I almost allowed myself to think that I was too good for most of them. But I was given the stark realization that I was often lonely and just looking for someone to care, while ignoring the obvious. These relationships were ungodly, and I was just as much at fault. You Choose how to Respond or React Even so, I made choices to avenge myself against others reciprocating the same maltreatment. Tit for tat. Just...

  I Choose to Speak Life Yesterday I went to orientation for a new assignment. Prior to this, I requested a set schedule and never received a response. The Spirit warned me that they never intended to take my petition into consideration. So, because I was now actually on the job, I needed clarification on other things. As of yet, I had no idea where to report to. (Orientation was in a designated facility but separate from all the other entities.) I got an email from them stating that they never received a request for block scheduling for me. This just confirmed what the Holy Spirit told me because I made the request myself via the same email on 12/29/2021. I was kind of perturbed, as we travelers can be hundreds of miles from home and feel that it is just a courtesy to extend, as we are fulfilling a need. A Wandering Mind While driving home I was upset and thinking on the matter. (An attack of the enemy.) There were so many negative aspects because since this assignment was literal...

 For me is simple at times. When I am home and with my children. Home because I have allowed the Holy Spirit to come and commune with me. My room is our place of companionship. My children because I love them, and they love one another. They are very close, and I thank the LORD for that. I feel happy when I overcome a trial or tribulation. Particularly noting that this comes by prayer, faith, and my accountability towards how I handle the situation. When I dwell on something that bothers me or makes me uncomfortable, having the ability to say, STOP, it is not important!!! Especially enough to continue to dwell on it, wasting my time. When I can say, this is so insignificant, it isn't worthy of my energy. Just knowing that God's love will see me through and that I don't have to dread the terrors by night. That His rod protects and guides me, that He prepares a table for me when no one else cares to do so. My head is anointed with oil. His grace is sufficient for me. My happi...

 I have been watching a lot of documentaries lately. From a psychological perspective, I have always been interested in people. Perceiving the wicked even prior to this. Consequently, the Holy Spirit has always opened my eyes to the evil in the world. Furthermore, what is really perturbing to me is those that are affected by the decades and centuries of these sadistic behaviors. Feeling that it is okay to protect, ignore and excuse those who commit them. This does not include those who are traumatized. But those who choose to turn a blind eye and a deaf ear to corruption. Additionally, from the viewpoint of a Black woman, it amazes me that people attempt to deceive themselves. Blaming people of color for all of the problems committed on this earth. When history has shown that evil does not discriminate. I say this because I have seen the injustice firsthand.  Having experienced the baseness of certain individuals. Accordingly, the LORD is showing me that people really do see a...

  I will Not be Conflicted While on vacation with my family I had certain experiences that just really seemed to shine a light on the evilness that dwells on this earth. Writing my thoughts out here is helpful when I am accused of being somewhat disrespectful for telling the truth. Therefore, I am praying and seeking the Holy Spirit that no matter what I have to say, I am always coming from a place of love. This led me to realize that carnal people do not understand the spiritual warfare that is vying for our souls. Everyone is not going to appreciate authenticity. People become so easily offended. Furthermore, if I am not careful, I can easily allow those negative feeling to be transferred to me. Someone's very life can be at stake in certain circumstances. It is also becoming apparent that the devil does not want people to be aware so that maybe even one soul may repent. It is painfully clear that people are refusing to be accountable. The proverb is clear: People will hear what ...

  I am Forever Grateful I will start this and every day with a grateful and thankful heart. A family member asked me for money today, an insignificant amount. But this sent me on a path of reminiscing. While growing up we had the bare minimum. There was my mother, sister, and myself. Although my mother never worked and received aid for most of her adult life, she made sure to provide a place to lay our heads, heat, and water. I didn't think like most other adolescents and young adults and never blamed her for what she didn't provide. We had many hungry days, and I won't expound at this time, but I lived this. Not Without Empathy For most of my grammar school years I was fortunate if I had two outfits to wear during the entire year. By God's grace I had the mentality that instead of holding others liable for my circumstances, I had the mindset that to get the things in life that I wanted and needed, that I had to get a job. So, when she asked me, as she often does, I wen...